Happy Birthday Princess

Here's to you, my love!

Dear Sabrina (Princess),

Hi, my love! Happy Birthday! I hope this year’s party consisted of police cars, chocolate, monsters, and everything else you wanted.

I think about you constantly. I miss you so much. You’re the lock screen on my phone, and I catch myself looking at it whenever I feel stressed and overwhelmed, and it never fails to put a smile on my face.

I looked through HUNDREDS of photos and videos of you tonight, and I found myself weeping with joy, sadness, and most of all, love. It has been a really rough year and not a day goes by that I don’t wish I was back at Camp with you, chasing butterflies or reading to you in the hammock as you fall asleep on my chest. Although at the time I knew I would miss you, this is nothing close to what I expected. I miss you so, so, so much. I’m not sure if I miss you or who I used to be around you. You really did bring out the best in me. With you, I laughed the hardest, I felt the most challenged, loved, inspired. I felt important and at home. That’s a feeling that I’ve lost over the last two months, and it’s one that I would do anything to get back.  

Before I met you, I had never thought about Special Education. I was so dead set on becoming a doctor that I closed myself off to any other possibility. I thought that becoming a doctor was the only way to help and make a difference. I was so, wrongly, convinced that becoming a doctor would be the only career that would bring me joy. Of course, I was proved wrong almost instantly. The realm of disabilities and special education is vaster than anything that I’ve been a part of. Yet, even in the vastness, I know where I stand, and I’m proud to be standing there. For the first time in my life, working with you and the children in India, I’m happy where I am. I know that I have so much to learn and to experience, but I am so excited for every step of it. I’m not anxious that I don’t know everything and my naiveness doesn’t make me feel small, two completely new concepts to me. I am 110%, okay knowing that I don’t know even a fraction of what is out there. I am 120%, okay knowing that I will never know everything that I want to. I am infinitely okay knowing that although my space in the scope of disabilities and special education is small, it is a space I’m beyond thankful for. Maybe in ten years, I will be a doctor or a teacher. I’m not sure, but I do know that you will be the reason for both of them.

I could talk for days about you and everything that I’ve learned from you, but I will leave you with this. I know that I probably won’t be your one-on-one next year and that’s okay. Seeing you around camp and being able to give you a huge hug once in a while is all I want. I hope you had the greatest birthday party ever! I am so sorry I couldn’t come, but I promise I was there in spirit. I love you. I miss saying that to you and I miss you repeating it back to me with your toothy smile. I miss chasing you around camp as you chased various cars and bugs. I miss being interrogated by you over every single thing in my life. I miss the poop incidents and the never-ending tantrums. I miss the early hugs and the kiss goodbyes as you got on the bus. Ugh, I miss you so much. I’m excited to see you real soon. Also, I don’t have a car yet. I’m sorry, but hopefully, I’ll have one by next summer so you can finally see it. Maybe it’ll even be a Chevy Silverado! I love you, Princess. I hope you’re having the time of your life. Please tell Georgiana that I miss her and please be good to your parents and teachers.

I have a secret to tell you- I love you and I am ineffably thankful for you.

                                                                                                                   With my whole heart and more,

                                                                                                                                         Snail

I miss you little one